A resolution I’ve got to keep.

I feel as if I’m in a constant state of self-induced flux. I find myself faithfully running the wheel of identifying dissatisfaction, making a change, settling into that change, rooting out my regret in that change, and resolving to go another way. This neat formula can be applied professionally, personally, and even geographically to my life. I am always looking to bring to fruition the romanticized vision of my life in my head while simultaneously never really allowing myself to settle into the present, my present.

I could say that I’m not keen on staying the course when it comes to making decisions, but that’s not quite accurate because I generally do. I have accomplished a number of goals I’ve set and (hopefully) leave a favorable, lasting impact on the people who cross my path. Calling myself a quitter is insulting by most standards, and yet, there’s a bit of truth to the label.

I often reject routine and familiarity, as they pave the way for monotony and dissatisfaction to sink in. I don’t know what it is, but it feels as if I constantly and consistently find myself in the wrong place, with the wrong people, doing the wrong things. Simply, the situations and spaces I occupy never quite fit. So begins again the neverending rat race. This seems antithetical to my personal ethos because I operate based on my own set of principles and on my own volition, but I can’t seem to get it right. And I have a theory for why that is.

I make my choices but resist the urge to go far enough.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been an extremely anxious person. Unfamiliarity is what brings those worrisome feelings to the surface, and though I’ve learned to manage them over time, I’ve come to realize that I’ve only been coping rather than fighting. I can follow through with decisions that have a clear path and end goal, but without those I resist. I am resistant to putting myself out there and making new friends (in a pre- and post-pandemic context, of course), I am resistant to sharing my ideas, I am resistant to even writing this here. It’s like the fear and anxiety render me unable to work harder to make things work for me. Pretty solid theory, right?

However, I am resolving to resist my resistance — or rather get rid of it altogether. This year and beyond, I will rid myself of the fear and anxiety that stop me from being my best on all fronts. There, of course, is no set path for achieving this and no clearly identifiable end goal, and that’s the fun/scary part. It starts here with putting this piece of writing on the internet and ends with the joy and fulfillment I know is waiting for me on the other side. Cheers!